I am not depressed. I can still smile at pretty things and laugh when jokes are funny, I can still talk to people and enjoy nice days.
But when I go inside, when I'm all alone, there is something broken. And I fall into a sadness so sweet that it engulfs me. I look in the mirror but I don't like what I see. And the tears always fall when I'm falling asleep, because I miss something that doesn't exist.
But I am not depressed, I've just been sad for a while. Although I can still find the light, I can still smile. -Amelie Pascual.
I am what depression looks like. I've had a couple of months that I have been very hard on myself in many areas of my life such as my weight, career, debt, looks and even my hair. It is silly because I have almost 4 years or so since I began my walk with The Lord again and know how depression, the enemy and accusing spirits work. I should be ahead of the game and see it all coming, shut them up and keep it moving. But it has been an extremely difficult battle for me this summer despite all of the trips to the beach and pool . As much as I try, I can't seem to lose these 20lbs I have gained and that is where and when my depression kicks in. I start to doubt myself, beat myself up, put myself down and get lost in a circle of negative thoughts to the point where my chest hurts and it feels like I am drowning. It is a feeling I cannot quite describe.
Some days it gets so bad I want to give up on everything; dreams, blogging & fitness goals. Even though I am not losing weight, I have still been working out and doing my best to eat well but then I say to myself why, for what, what is the point. I end up taking a few days off, miss workouts and not care what I eat and then get right back to it.
This week I was so ready to give up on blogging, I am over the politics of it all. The popularity game, how your value and worth are based on likes and follows. I am over how superficial and materialistic it can all be. I find how hypocritical and phony bloggers can be tiring. How it all feels likes one big episode derived from Mean Girls and how everyone looks like they stepped out of the Kardashian circle. I am over people befriending you just to see what moves you're making, what plans and ideas you have. But it is only to know how you make things happen and not to truly support you.
I have never been able to fit in anywhere, school, work, the blogosphere and even church. There are cliques everywhere and I have just always been that person on the outside looking in wonder why I was never "cool enough." Mostly I am ok with that, and attempt to take pride and comfort in my uniqueness. However, when it comes to my blog or rather yet my brand it is hard to separate my blog's "unpopularity" with my own personal likability.
It never fails though, right when I am ready to toss in the towel I end up landing another sponsored post opportunity for a campaign I had a applied to weeks prior. You know, things that actually matter to me, counting invoices not likes, connecting with brands, sharing experiences and new product with you, my readers. It is just one of the many signs I get telling me not to give up.
Yesterday was overwhelming I was in a really bad place mentally even so, all day long I kept seeing quotes and motivational sayings about just being me and to keep going. My children, sense of humor and faith are a big part of what keeps me going. Eventually I will take a blog break and a social media detox but in the meantime, I will try to love me a little more and worry less about my blog's success and more about continuing to be my genuine self and just letting who I am, flaws and all shine.
"Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness. Those are actually the days I am fighting my hardest." -Unknown
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I'M ALICIA GIBBS
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